Amra Pajalic

I hate cliffhanger season finales., but last night’s episode of Private Practice is atrocious. I feel so manipulated and angry. Violet-who is a psychiatrist is treating a mentally ill patient whose baby dies during pregnancy. So Violet keeps treating her even though she is pregnant herself and the patient has expressed her anger-which would never happen in the real world-the patient gets fixated on Violet and starts believing that the child she is carrying is actually her baby. So she drugs Violet with the plan to cut the baby out of her body. The last scene is her starting the incision-and that’s it, lights out, the end.

What the hell? How is this a good cliffhanger? Yes, I am emotionally involved and I want to know what happens, but I’m also betrayed and disappointed. As a writer you have to walk a fine line between keeping the viewer/reader interested, but also not pushing them away by overplaying your hand. We’ve all seen what happened with Lost when viewers turned on the writers because they dragged out the mystery too much and didn’t give them pay off (not that I watch Lost but I read the articles about it with interest). And I feel like Private Practice has gone too far.

The image of a baby being cut out of a Mum’s body is horrific. Unfortunately it also has a basis in reality. I remembered this news story about this and just did a google search and am horrified by how many stories there are about women cutting out babies from pregnant women they murdered. So now I can’t get this image out of my head. Now that I’m a mother I really get worked up by anything to do with kids. That story about the python strangling a little girl has completely freaked me out. This is where being a writer really works against you because I get these vivid images and just feel sick.

So I’m really angry with Private Practice and think I’m going to give it the flick after I watch the cliffhanger resolve next season-or find an answer on the internet. I also don’t like Addison’s character. The whole storyline about her falling in love with a pregnant patient’s husband is gross. Such a violation of trust in so many ways, completely immoral and considering she’s an adulterer herself shows how shallow she is. But then again it is consistent with her character-being of loose morals and arrogant in believing she can do whatever and damn the consequences. Yes, I’m really pissed at the whole show and now every single thing about it annoys me. Like Del switching embryos and not getting fired-yeah.

I’m also angry because Grey’s Anatomy is going to do the same thing to me next week, but at least I’m prepared and I’m not fussed about Isabel living or dieing. As long as there’s no babies involved-whatever.

On the baby front-she’s doing a new noise that’s driving me crazy. She makes this wheezing sound when she’s going to sleep that is freaking me out. I keep running in to check on her and can’t relax until she’s asleep. She’s not ill-no temperature or change in behaviour and last night we took her to the doctor to check her lungs because it was too freaky-but I’m really cranky about it. Going to try and catch some sleep now that she’s asleep.

I had the luck to get involved on this project and it’s been great fun. We’ve all heard of music being samples and remixed, and that’s what this project is about. Take a short story and remix and it and make it your own. Now the project has been published as an anthology. I remixed a short story by my favourite short story writer Cate Kennedy and it’s a great read to see how other writers have approached the remixing. The best part is that the project is ongoing and writers have the opportunity to remix the stories featured in the anthology and have them published on the website. So get your pens ready.

Remix My Lit Anthology

Through the Clock’s Workings
Edited by Amy Barker
Sydney University Press
ISBN: 9781920899325

A world first! The first remixed and remixable anthology of literature.

This anthology of short stories is not some textual tome, frozen in time and space. It is alive, evolving organically in a constant state of flux. Why? Because each story is available under a Creative Commons licence, giving you rights to share and reuse the book as you see fit.

So how do you use a remixable anthology? Simple.
Step 1 – Read. Thumb your way through the pages at will. Find the stories you love, the ones you hate, the ones that could be better.
Step 2 – Re/create. Each story is yours to share and to remix. Use only one paragraph or character or just make subtle changes. Change the genre, alter its formal or stylistic characteristics, or revise its message. Use as little or as much as you like – as long as it works.
Step 3 – Share. Be part of a growing community of literature remixing. Post your remixes to the Remix My Lit website, remixmylit.com, and start sharing. The entire anthology can be remixed – the original stories, the remixes, and even the fonts.

Through the Clock’s Workings is Read&Write!

I was on a State Library panel on Thursday with Arnold Zable, Raimond Gaitta and convened by Jan Sardi. I worked myself up into a frenzy of anxiety beforehand yet when I get on stage my anxiety just faded away and I found myself relaxing as the session goes on. So my goal from now on is not to get freaked out about publicity engagements anymore. I have to trust that my mouth will open, words will come out and they will make sense. I’m running a workshop tomorrow and am practicing what I’ve prepared and I’m going to believe in myself and be confident.

I used to find all this easier before Sofia’s birth, but now she’s always in my mind and I worry about her coping that also contributes to my anxiety. She and Fikret stayed home. I expressed milk but as usual she wouldn’t drink. She only had 30ml but at least it was enough to sustain her until I got home again. I’ve started with solids so hopefully in a few months this will be a non-issue.

Some really interesting realisations occurred from this panel. Raimond Gaitta is the author of Romulus, My Father and his mother also suffered from Bi Polar and he has a daughter who is a sufferer. He said that he prefers the term Manic Depression, which  is the old medical term, because it humanises the illness more. And I realised that’s why I keep resisting using Bi Polar. It has no meaning behind it. Manic Depression describes the illness exactly as it is, the sufferer gets manic and then falls into depression. It’s not an anonymous label that has no meaning, it’s a real description and one we can all relate to. Who hasn’t gone through a period of mania and then dropped into depression. I keep feeling like I have to be correct in using the right terminology, but I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going to use Manic Depression, that’s the one I grew up with and most people know it.

Another great thing that came from this panel is a fellow aspiring writer got in touch and through some email correspondence has given me a lifeline to tackle Sofia’s sleeping. Sofia is great at sleeping the night through, the problem is getting her to sleep.  We started rocking her to sleep in our arms the past month and it’s mutated to the point I have to lie down with her for naps and takes me hours to get her to sleep at night. Koraly hooked me up to a book about sleep strategies and she’s saved my life.

Hubby took a week off so we can sort out her sleep and last night we got her to sleep by herself, but man was it tough. We were both crying at certain points. Sofia cried two hours until she finally fell asleep. Part of the problem is that we were still picking her up to comfort her when she cried too much, which dragged it out. In the end we stopped picking her up and she was asleep within 20 minutes.We kept thinking there was a way of easing into it, but unfortunately there is no easy way. You just have to put her down and wait it out.

We’ve created a bedtime routine which I’ve written down on an index card and we’re just going to keep repeating the same thing every night this week and every nap. It’s a ten day plan and I’m confident in my success. But I’m also going to write down a daily routine and organise my life around Sofia’s sleeping. When she has naps, I go nowhere and this will be my writing time.

The tipping point came when Koraly told me she wrote a novel while her daughter was napping. Now that’s dedication. But it underlined how hit and miss my own writing has been. Plus the more I indulge Sofia the harder it’s been even to do regular household chores like cook or wash the dishes because I’m always holding her.

I have two more publicity engagements this week. Because I’m controlling my anxiety I’m getting excited about interacting with aspiring writers and readers and connecting. That’s always the fun part of these things.

I love Masterchef Finally a reality tv show that has a point and is actually educational. Masterchef is on every night of the week, but unlike tv shows of the past that bombed for me because of over exposure and lack of tension, Masterchef is so well structured that every nightly episode has an activity and is riveting. The best part is that you learn about cooking through watching the challenges the contestants undertake and then there is a weekly Masterclass for the contestants which also means we pick up cooking tips.

What I love most of all that because of all the challenges and activities there is no time spent dwelling on the participants personal lives, learning about the tension of living together or their cliques/frenemies. Also the challenges where they are tortured and put under pressure actually have a point. They are learning how it is to work in a professional kitchen and produce food in a time limit.

Yesterday I made a fried rice recipe we’ve made a few times before, but this time I was influenced by Masterchef’s focus on complex flavours and textures and bought sesame oil to add, and it was the best ever. I feel like my cooking is improving because Masterchef shows that to prepare a delicious meal means taking your time and being thorough. While I like cooking at the moment I need meals that are quick and easy, and have lots of vegies in them.

The only problem is that watching all that yummy food makes my cravings go out of control and I have to make sure to time my tea and bikkie during the show or just before so I don’t get tempted to raid the cupboards for something to eat.

On the bebe front-I’m having so much fun. Sofia has learnt how to make raspberries with her mouth and it is the funniest thing in the world. I’m just constantly laughing when she starts blowing them.

The writing is going well. I’m still writing in the notebook. Need to start transcribing at some point, but I also want to have a draft worth transcribing and all this notebook writing is really bringing me closer to the characters and story. The only problem is that all of the reviews I’m reading keep talking about humour in The Good Daughter and I start getting paranoid about making the book funny, then I pull myself up and focus on not putting the cart before the horse. First I need to have a draft, then can check that there is humour.

Also just read something that really disturbed on Simmone Howell’s blog:

“The librarians at Weeroona Secondary College were saying that when the new school gets built there will be no library – there will still be some books, and some space for kids to read, but no actual library. I’m hearing this more and more; school libraries as we know them are on the way out.”

To Simmone the library was a refuge and it was the same for me, but it was also a space where I had some deep and meaningfuls with friends that we couldn’t have anywhere else. It was a place where you could drop your guard and just be. It was a place where I dreamed of the life beyond. We had the careers computer in the library and I would spend hours scrolling through different courses and careers. It was a place where I could access resources for my school assignments and develop my research skills.

I’m just disgusted that libraries are on the way out. I feel like such a fuddy-duddy, but what is the world coming to. We hear complaints about the new generation losing their ability to think outside the box and learn the way we did. Researching these days consists of reading a few Wikipedia articles, but how is this going to be counteracted if we give the message from the word go that there is no place for intellectual life at high school. We’re dumbing down the students before they even have a chance to form their own ideas and we’ll reap the consequences in years to come.

Now that I have a child these things really hit home when I think about the world she’s going to grow up in. My daughter will have my husband and I to teach her to love reading and the skills she can learn from this, but students like myself who had no parents to encourage and nurture this will be the victims.

This weekend I had a taste of what it’s like to be a working mum, and man is it some hard yakka. So far my publicity engagements have necessitated me being available for an hour at the most. It would be a matter of going there, doing my thing and coming back. This weekend I was expected to attend as much of the conference as possible, which under any other circumstances would be a joy.

The Reading Matters conference is attended by teachers and librarians and is about encouraging young people to read. The vibe was fabulous and the content and program amazing. I had the best time on my panel with Randa Abdel-Fattah and Libby Gleeson. Before the panel I was nervous, but as soon as I was up on stage the nerves disappeared as I looked out at the sea of welcoming faces. It was fantastic.

Hubby and baby came with me as my entourage. They were set up in an adjoining building as the crowds would disrupt Sofia too much. As I said I was nervous before hand and I’m trying to feed her so she’ll be right for the time I’m on the panel. But she’s a bit tired and is picking up on my stress levels. I’m trying to force her on the boob and she’s crying. So I cuddle her and hope she’ll be ok while I’m doing my thing, even though I know in my heart she won’t.

I do my thing and it was amazing. I rush back because I know Sofia is hungry. I get there and my husband is pushing the pram. ‘She just fell asleep a few minutes before you came,’ he says. ‘She cried the whole time.’ I can see by her face that she’s fallen asleep because she’s exhausted from crying. Her eyes have dark circles and her face is not relaxed while she sleeps.

Hubby is stressed out. While he was walking her he had a kind-hearted woman approached him asking if he needed help with the baby. A lovely gesture, but when you have a crying baby in public and you can’t calm them, you just feel like everyone is staring and judging you. Something that is now confirmed.

Now it’s the quandary, how long to let her sleep so she’s not as tired, when to wake her so she has enough time to feed. She wakes up, I put her on the boob. She’s sucking half heartedly, keeps detaching and swirling her head. Finally I cotton on to covering her with a blanket so she can’t see around herself. She can now differentiate surroundings and because it’s unfamiliar she keeps checking it out. She starts seriously feeding.

I finish feeding and return to the conference. It’s lunch time and I’m set up at the table to sign books. I have a great time chatting to participants and signing my book, but the experience highlights a few things I haven’t thought through:

1. I don’t have a pen. Thankfully my publicist Cora was able to produce one. So I need to know make sure all my bags have a few pens in there for such occasions.
2. Like most writers I spent years practicing my signature for the day when I would have a book to sign, but I never thought about the inscription. People like a personalised message, but I can’t think of anything and write the incredibly banal message ‘Hope you enjoy my book.’ So from now I need to think about the inscription for the occasion. If my brain had been functioning I could have written a personalised message about the conference. Something like: ‘Great to meet you at the 2009 Reading Matters conference.’ At the moment it’s still such a shock that people want me to sign the book and I’m so overwhelmed by everything that’s going on that my brain shuts down.
3. Some attendees took my photo. The only way I can do a good photo is with a prop to distract me. From now on I need to make sure I hold a copy of the book because it is excruciating having my photo taken. I just stiffen up plaster on a fake smile.

I had the opportunity to meet some on-line peeps. Adele from Persnickety Snark blog who gave me my first review. It was great having a chat with you Adele. Hopefully our paths will cross again in real life, but until then we have our blogs to keep in touch. Demet who is Facebook buddy. Coming from a Turkish background Demet could relate a lot to my book, especially being chased by the oklagiya. And Kevin who is the first person that sent me my first genuine fan email after reading my book. Thank you so much and keep passionately reading. Judith-great to see you again. Hopefully we’ll keep meeting up at these events and have a proper chat soon.

Mike Shuttleworth who’s the convenor was so lovely and the conference was amazing. I’m looking forward to attending next year, sans baby, and being able to enjoy the whole conference as an attendee.

And to all the working mothers out there-you have my complete understanding and support. Walking in your shoes for one day made me realise how fortunate I’ve been to so far be able to enjoy motherhood without the stresses of juggling the two. The whole weekend I felt cleaved in two and I didn’t feel like I did either justice. I ended up with a cranky, overtired baby whose routine is now disrupted (hopefully it will settle in a few days) and am filled with paranoia that I didn’t do enough to meet my professional obligations. It’s an awful tightrope and one I’m hoping to sidestep for a while yet.

This experience has highlighted the need to tighten the purse strings and make our savings last until the end of the year so I don’t have to deal with working while breastfeeding. The book promotion will only get easier as she gets older because it doesn’t involve an all day commitment, but the need for day job to pay the bills can hopefully be put off.

My publicist scored me an interview on ABC Radio National Life Matters Program on Wednesday 27 May 2009. Thankfully the podcast is on their website if anyone wants to listen to it here.

I’m happy with how it went. Was so nervous because this is a national interview, but I was able to relax and even enjoy myself. I think it says a lot for the interviewer that the last two happened.

So much to rant about. The interview I just watched on Channel 9 with Christian Lander, the author of the book and blog Stuff White People Like. Christian Lander wrote a book poking fun at white people’s privileged lives and how they try to hard to be individual with their consumer choices, and end up being mediocre. On the topic of religion: ‘It’s not that white people don’t like religion or aren’t religious, religion is fine as long as it’s not the religion their parents believe in. So Budhism, Hinduism, Kabalism, Scienteology, all fine.’ The two interviewers so did not get the book and it just whizzed right over their head. It was just excruciating. The response from the male interviewer to white people’s mode of transport.  ‘Yeah, you don’t see a black guy riding a Vespa.’ Ugh, wanted to puke.

The bogan bookshop worker I spoke to at a chain bookstore. So I went to my local Angus Roberston store and got them to order a few copies of my book which I went in and signed. A few former high school friends who are facebook buddies said they bought copies of the book. So I got excited and started calling other bookstores in the area in order to see if they had copies of my book to sign. So bloody depressing. It’s so hard to get your book into bookstores. I’m discussing the book with a bookshop worker and say how it’s in the Western suburbs and there isn’t much literature set in this area. This store is a few suburbs away, but within a 20 minute drive. ‘Where is it set?’ she asks. ‘St Albans,’ I reply. ‘Oh,’ she says. ‘Not many people around here would know where that is.’ WTF. Do people know where Forks is, the town Meyer set Twilight in?

Or maybe I should rant about the coup of having a blurb in the Herald Sun Weekend Edition where my novel was called ‘a spirited debut,’ and ‘insightful.’ What’s there to complain about, right? Well the spelling mistake in my name. It seems I am Amra Pagjalic. Thankfully there is a photo of my cover  next to it. Sometimes you just have to take the joke life plays on you in your stride.

But for me, the bookshop worker is the one that has really gotten under my skin. That comment has been grinding away at me and each time I remember it, which is quite often, my teeth grind together. Maybe it hit too close to home and made me question the relevance of my book to the world at large. I mean if people who live in this area don’t think it’s interesting to have a book about it, why would the rest of the world. Still a novel is about more than geography. It’s about universal themes and I think my book scores points there. The few opportunities I’ve had to interact with potential readers has surprised me at how they relate to aspects of my book. So hopefully with this rant I can let down the mantle of outrage and move on.

Babies are funny creatures. The more they sleep, the more they sleep. Weird. I had my little bebe in a daytime nap routine and then had a busy week where I was on the go almost every day. Before I even had time to notice, the routine dissapeared. This week I have a quiet week and am trying to get her back into the napping routine, but she’s a fighter. At the moment I battle to get her into the cot for 20 minutes, then lie down with her and breastfeed in bed until she falls asleep. Then I slip out and leave her to keep sleeping.

My Maternal Child Health nurse told me that I need to organise myself so that if I go out I need to get her back into the routine for two days after that. This is something I’ve been fighting. The thought that my life has to run on her schedule and I have to organise my days around her. But that’s the way it is. She needs a firm routine in order to function. I have the night time routine down pat and she sleeps the night through. My night time routine is based on her schedule, so I have to do the daytime the same. If I get her into regular naps then I’ll have time to myself during the day to write, and that’s the priority.

The reason I resisted this is that the first two months I hardly went anywhere. I stayed home with her all day because of her frequent breastfeeding. Then when I started going out I went crazy. Started packing in my schedule every week so I was on the go. Now I’m ready for some balance. I want a few things on every week, but I need some quiet time to write. I’m incorporating a daily walk into my routine because there would be weeks when I’d be caught up in my go-go schedule that I’d be driving here and there, but wouldn’t get any exercise. And for me exercise is really important to settle my sleeping.

I’ve also started relying too much on sugar to keep my energy levels up. Chocolate and chocolate biscuits have been my aid. It’s time to break the crutch and get regular rest and not get too fatigued where I need sugar to get through the day.

Publicity for my book has been exhilirating and exhausting too. My energy levels aren’t what they used to be and I get fatigued. I had a talk to a women’s group and it was fabulous. They were mostly over 40 and I started having a panic attack because I though my novel wouldn’t be relevant. They wanted the focus to be on mothers/daughters as it was just after Mother’s Day so I focussed on that dynamic in my book and how Sabiha’s mother’s Bi Polar impacts on their relationship. The women really responded to my talk and so many of them related to the Bi Polar because of family members who are sufferers. It was amazing. The best part was that when I read an extract they were laughing at all the right places. I actually had to pause for laughter.

My publicist Cora has been amazing. I had two segments on Chanel 31. One of them for Yartz TV which airs Tuesdays 10 pm, repeat Wednesday 11.30 pm, that hasn’t aired yet. I’m on ABC Radio National Life Matters segment Wednesday 27 May, 9.40 am, 621 AM, and Aural Text on Melbourne’s RRR 102.7 FM in the afternoon. I’m also going to be reviewed in the Herald Sun and have a Question and Answer. I also have talks nearly every month until October, which are a mix of school bookings and talks to the public.

I’m working on The Good Daughter sequel I’ve titled The Other Daughter. At the moment I’m handwriting to discover my story. I’m up to my second notebook. Have been a bit hit and miss in my writing schedule, which is part of the need for a routine with Sofia. I feel like it’s coming together well and I’m enjoying the process.

Correction-I listed that my interviews were airing on the 27 October instead of 27 May 2009.

So I’m on the publicity trail for my novel at the moment. I’ve been juggling these commitments with taking care of my baby-where I can I take her with me and my husband has been caring for her when I can’t. He’s been telling me that he’s had trouble feeding her my expressed breastmilk from the bottle, but I haven’t been really taking that on. Thankfully it hasn’t been an issue because most of the time I’m only gone for a couple of hours and she’s been able to wait. But I have the Reading Matters conference happening at the end of the month and these are full day commitments so we decided to practice leaving her for longer stretches by me running errands on the weekend while he cares for her. So it really hit home that she won’t drink from the bottle.

So yesterday I’m feeling tired and stressed about all the stuff I have to do and juggling taking care of her-so I make the decision she has to be good and hungry in order to feed from the bottle. So she starts indicating she’s hungry, but I decide to push it and make her wait. My husband doesn’t agree, but he’s deferred the decision to me. She starts crying and I’ve never heard this cry in my life. I usually respond to her cries really quickly because I recognise what she needs by her tones. She doesn’t ever really cry for long stretches, plus she’s really easy to placate. At the end of the day when she’s tired she’s content to just be held and have eye contact-that’s all she needs. So she’s crying so hard she’s shaking, starts choking

My husband breaks and starts crying. He’s pleading with me to feed her. I start crying and after a few seconds I fold, and put her on the boob. I put a call to my Maternal Child Health nurse and tell her what’s happening. That she’s won’t take the bottle, that I need to undertake work activity and that I can’t take her with me because I’m scared I’ll be viewed as unprofessional. Plus I’m stumped she won’t take the bottle because a month ago it was a non-issue. She’d take the bottle from me or my husband easily.

The nurse addresses first the issue of bottle feeding. It’s natural for a baby to develop an aversion to the bottle at this age. The breast is not just about food, but about comfort. She also tells me that I shouldn’t be pushing the bottle-feeding. The harder I push, the more traumatised she gets and the more it won’t happen. I shouldn’t be persisting for more than 15 minutes and definitely not be making her wait for food as a way of encouraging her to eat.

Then she gets into the unprofessional thing. ‘Why is it unprofessional for you to have your baby with you? she demands. ‘It’s the most natural thing in the world to feed your baby.’ And I think, yes it is. Why is it that my baby can’t tag along with me? On Tuesday night I had a talk and signing to a women’s group. My husband came with Sofia and he took care of her while I talked. I fed her before the talk, I fed her after the talk, and that was that. I wasn’t stressed, she wasn’t stressed, it was just easy and natural. I was able to do the career thing and the baby thing at the same time.

So I’m thinking why is motherhood a dirty word? Why is it that needing to care for my baby makes me feel weak and stupid, and unprofessional? The nurse tells me that I should be taking my baby with me and showing other mothers that it’s natural to breastfeed. I’ve never cared about public opinion, but now I feel like I need permission from someone to trust my instincts. After I tell my husband what she said he’s furious. Why didn’t I listen to him when he was telling me the same thing? That’s the rub, it’s always easier to listen to someone else who is objective and outside the situation.

In society today there’s supposed to be more of an acceptance of women’s choice to be mothers, but that’s only the case if it’s kept separate from other facets of your life. Motherhood is about choice. We make a choice to be mothers and therefore have to deal with whatever this means. We have to organise for our child so it doesn’t inconvenience other people and be able to do things without the baby. Because I made the choice to breastfeed it’s supposed to be my problem. But this isn’t about my choices, this is about my baby. She needs food, I provide food. It’s that simple.

While I could make another choice that would end this whole problem and put her on formula-I will not. I would rather tank my writing career than make a decision like that. Thankfully I am able to breastfeed-something some women cannot do. I was able to organise my life so I can have one year off paid work in order to accommodate this in my life. My baby is healthy and happy. I love breastfeeding my baby. It was bloody hard in the beginning and I went through blood, sweat and tears until it came naturally and now it is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. It’s something I can do for my baby that ensures she has the best chance at good health and it’s an amazing bonding process. I will breastfeed for at least 1 year, but I will keep doing it for as long as she wants. I will only wean her off if we get to toddler age, otherwise she will get food from me however long she wants it. And I will learn not to give a stuff about what other people think.

Most importantly I will learn to trust my instincts and not let public opinion impact on my mothering. I have always been a decisive strong person, but since I’ve become a mother I second-guess myself constantly. I’m always wondering if I’m doing the right thing. It stops now. What’s best for my baby is what’s best for me. No more bad decisions, no more stress.

Tomorrow Wed 6 May on Get Cereal on SYN FM. Listen to me on radio at 7.45 am on 90.7 FM or watch me on Channel 31 at 8.20 am.