Amra Pajalic

As part of the Melbourne Prize for Literature there was a Civic Prize category which was decided by popular vote. Well the votes were in and amazingly I won in this category. To see the announcement click on this link and hit the news link.

I’m so stoked because it was by popular vote which is so amazing. I want to thank Senada Softic-Telalovic for her support by advocating on my behalf in the Bosnian community, and everyone who voted for me. There will be a little ceremony on the 16 December where I will receive my $3000 cheque.

Also in more good news there is a bid in my Ebay auction of my services in critiquing a manuscript to raise money for the Indigenous Literacy Fund so I’m wrapped that I’ll be able to support this amazing cause and hopefully help out a fellow aspiring writer.

The other night, during a restless night of sleeplesness and phleminess from a cold, I got a brilliant idea. Usually in the light of day these brilliant ideas turn out to be sleep deprived hallucinations that burn away under the rays of sunshine and cold hard rational thought. The next morning I discussed the brilliant idea with friends and family and it seemed I hit upon something worthwhile.

The brilliant idea was a merging of two trains of thought. The first was from watching Jay Leno’s segment Items Sold in Ebay where he presents strange things that were listed on ebay and the audience guesses whether they sold or not. One of these items was someone selling their Team Spirit which involved baracking for a team of the winning bidders choice, attending games, buying merchandise etc. This item was listed for $100 and sold for $10,100. As Jay said this proved there was still too much money in their country, but it also made me realise that amazing potential of ebay where there is a market for everything.

The second train of thought was being good. I don’t think I’m a bad person, but I don’t feel like I do anything particularly good either. Lately I’ve been in a funk, feeling uninspired and unmotivated. I’ve been thinking about different strategies to get myself out of it and some of the thoughts I’ve been having are about doing something new.

I was a guest of honour at a Year 12 Awards night. The teacher conducting the night spoke about the graduants being good citizens and contributing positively to their community. I used to do volunteer work in a breakfast club for kids in the high rises, and later as a mentor to teenagers at risk of leaving school. But now that I’m a mother volunteering in this capacity is not an option, so I’ve hit upon a solution that will provide me with the opportunity to do something new, as well as contribute to others. I’m going to offer my services critiquing a novel on ebay with proceeds to be donated to charity. So if you’re interested in getting your novel critiqued by a published author, look at my listing here.

The announcement was made on Wednesday 11 November and Nam Le won the Best Writing Award. It was a great night and the exhibition was hysterical. I cringed as I watched my video, and giggled when I saw Simmone Howell’s. Her video was so natural and funny. I loved it. I collected a catalogue as a momento and have enjoyed reading about the  other writers  nominated in my category.

I’ve been working on a side project. I’m going to auction something aspiring writers might be interested in to raise money for Indigenous Literacy. Come back on Tuesday to find out what.

I have a cold and have been suffering for a whole week. I think it’s the tail-end now and will hopefully be on the way up. Haven’t been sleeping well, but at least the baby has.

On Wednesday night the Melbourne Prize for Literature winners are announced. I’m hoping that I’m all better and can get excited about the event. Have spent the past few months dreaming up big all the ways I’m going to spend the money so it’s going to be a thud down to earth when the winner is announced-and it’s probably not going to be me.

Tonight is my tv night and I’m looking forward to The Vampire Diaries. A bit depressed because I’ve already spectacularly failed Nano-yet again. I think I should start a Facebook group-Deluded writers who keep signing up for Nano only to fail miserably every single year. For now I’m slinking back to the couch with a cup of honey and lemon tea to soothe my sore throat.

So anyone who’s been reading my blog for a while knows I have a penchant for vampire books. Who doesn’t these days? I’m hooked on The Vampire Diaries show, and as the weeks are progressing I’m beginning to get really curious about the storyline and what actually happens. So I have to get the books and I do. Well, let’s just say they did not age well. Lots of telling versus showing, characters aren’t well developed (or likeable), lots of plausibility issues (one of my big annoyances is a new teacher inviting the students to his house for a get to know you party-yeah that’s going to fly, and Stefan the main character lives in a boarding house).

On top of all this the show has basically taken the bare bones of the book story structure and completely re-worked it. In the books Stefan and Damon are from Italian Renaissance whereas the show they’re from the Civil War. So if you’re thinking of reading the books to get an idea of where the show is going-don’t. Just enjoy the show and get in lots of perving on eye candy. Is it bad that I’m barracking for Damon? So this is why I love Monday nights. Another show I’m in luuurve with is Glee. So entertaining and the songs are gorgeous and addictive. I’m still chuckling every time I remember the episode a few weeks back where Beyonce’s Single Ladies was used as a motivational tool by the football team. Hysterical.

My baby is a beautiful monster. She’s been teething this weekend and gets really clingy and whingy so she’s been sleeping with me since Friday night. She now sleeps on her stomach and wakes up by going into a crawling position, looks over at me and gives me a gummy smile. She sits up and starts clapping her hands, giving me the signal that she’s ready to party. As her little head pops up I get angry because I’m so tired, then she smiles and I’m laughing, and then 20 minutes later while I’m trying to get her to sleep I’m frustrated and weepy.

Last night my husband took over the night shift from 10 pm and I went to sleep in the spare bedroom. I slept for 3.5 hours beautifully and got up to check on them expecting to find them sleeping, instead my husband was sitting up with her in his arms, his face full of frustration. He rocked her to sleep but every time he tried to put her down she woke crying. I took her from him and he looked over at me and said, ‘How do you do it?’ and began crying from frustration.

While I was sad he was crying, I was also full of joy. I’ve been struggling the past couple of weeks. Feeling weepy and full of frustration as her routine has eroded and her demands increased. My weepiness made me feel weak and embarrassed, but now I feel such relief. If he broke down after 3.5 hours of interrupted sleep and battling with baby then it’s not me being weak, it’s just a natural process of wear and tear. There is a reason sleep deprivation was used as a form of torture.

I’ve made an appointment with MCH nurse and am going to have a chat with her about my feelings lately. Maybe look at a sleep clinic. While I know all the steps I have to take to get her sleeping in her cot and having a set routine, it’s hard reinforcing it constantly because each time she is teething she’s in so much pain and needing more comfort and so I do this dance again.

I remember the heady days when she was 3 months and her sleep cycle stretched out and she’d go down for 8 hours. I was able to placate her by feeding her in bed and had the best sleep ever. I was getting 12 hours easy and feeling so good. In those moments I was so smug about all the complaints about motherhood being hard. Yes, I thought, it is hard. But it’s beautiful and I love it. And while it is still beautiful and I love it, it is so bloody hard because it is unrelenting. Any job you have, no matter how demanding or hard or crappy, ends and you come home and don’t have to think about it again, but parenting does not stop. It is 24/7 regardless of how you feel and that’s what makes it so hard.

Sleep deprivation really affects your psyche. I find it hard to move on from bad thoughts and get into these stupid patterns of thinking and can’t shake them off. This happened once before when I was in uni and sleep deprived and stressed from exams. I c0nvinced myself there was  man living in the ceiling of our flat. While I knew this thought was completely irrational, there was no sound, or disturbance, no access to the ceiling or anything like that, this thought kept intruding into my mind and I could not shake it. Finally I shared it with my husband and he got the ladder, climbed up to the ceiling and completed a thorough investigation. Finally I could move on.

This weekend I convinced myself Sofia was a dwarf baby. I knew that it is not possible, she has no physical characteristics, she is always tall when she’s measured during appointments, yet this thought would not leave me. So I started investigating on the internet and looking at baby photos. In the end I shared the thought with my husband and after rolling his eyes a few times, he listed all the rational reasons that this was not possible and I could move on.

While I’ve been battling through my feelings I’ve thankfully had the support of friends who are going through the same things and being able to verbalise some of these crazy thoughts makes them fade into nothingness. My husband has taken time off work and has cared for Sofia  so I can ride this wave of fatigue out and I feel like I’m coming out of the ocean for now. But I know that the tide will drag me out again and my husband and friends will pass me a life jacket so I can tread water until I can lift myself onto the boat. That’s the nature of motherhood and it’s worth it, because of my beautiful monster, but it really is the hardest job in the world.

Bosna Magazin article

Originally uploaded by amrapajalic

My article in Bosna Magazin for Bosnians to read.

It’s been a crazy week. Have had some amazing publicity within the Bosnian community, which has some good and bad points. Have had a lot more blog hits and been getting interview requests with Bosnian media, but also had a blog troll leaving an idiotic comment on my blog to which I responded-read my book before taking pot-shots.

I’m featured in Bosna Magazin, the national Bosnian newspaper, and have participated in an interview with Azra magazin, a newspaper in Sarajevo. A Bosnian film maker contacted me about possibly using my novel for a play, so I’ve posted him a copy of my book. Was speaking to Anne who manges rights within Text and she said not to get my hopes up. The performance industry is full of hot air and there can be a lot of hype to go with it. So it’s fun, but not something I’m banking on.

I was interviewed for Bosnian radio on SBS, where I spoke in my dodgy Bosnian. I had to keep stopping and asking the reporter for Bosnian words, but there are also a lot of English words sprinkled throughout. One of the points I emphasised in the interview is that while my novel is representing Bosnians, it is also representing the issue of mental illness in people who have a migrant background and young people in the Western suburbs.

I’ve been wanting to improve my Bosnian for a while, especially because I want Sofia exposed to the language and want to read to her in Bosnian and have her watch Bosnian cartoons etc when she’s at an age to watch stuff, so now I’m more motivated. I’m going to read the Bosnian newspaper every week and this will get my skills back up. I’m such a fast reader in English that’s it’s really weird to read so slowly in another language.

I also need to create a Bosnian page with info about me for Bosnians to read about, so hopefully I’ll work on that this week. This is where being married to a Bosnian-born comes in handy. While I lived overseas for four years as a child I’ve lost some of my skills so he’s my proofreader.

It’s funny how quickly your head gets turned by this sort of stuff. I started checking my stats every day and was getting 50 hits a day. Then over the weekend they dropped and I was instantly feeling deflated. At least though I’m getting back into the swing of writing every day. While the publicity is fun and makes my ego happy, it also confirms how I need to reconnect with my writing to feel good about myself. So I’m going to push myself to write every day for at least an hour. As soon as I have my headspace consumed with a project I feel content and it’s much easier to put things into perspective.

Hvala svim Bosancima koji su glasali za mene za Melbourne Prize za Literaturu 2009 Nagrada za Najbolje Pisanje. Na zalost knjiga je za sada samo objavljena na Engleskom jeziku. Nadam se da ce se objaviti i na nasem jeziku u buducnosti i ako se to desi javicu vam.

Puno zdravlja, srece i ljubavi svima vama od Amre.

Last night I was invited to attend drinks to celebrate being a finalist for the Melbourne Prize for Literature. The setting was the 35th floor of the Sofitel Hotel and it was an amazing view.

As part of the exhibition that will be in November at Federation Square the finalists will appear in a 60 second video. Last night I was filmed for this and I can honestly say I haven’t done anything so awkward.

I planned what I was going to say-which ended up being a big mistake. I was so rehearsed that I didn’t sound natural. I felt so stiff and uncomfortable, and I kept trying to keep my hands down, which made things worse because I’m a hand-talker. The film crew were great and they think they got enough there to string together a good 60 seconds so lets hope I’m pleasantly surprised by how articulate I sound-fingers crossed.