On being 16 years old
May 10th, 2010 § 9 Comments
Inspired by Steph Bowe and Simmone Howell I re-read my diary and am going to re-create a snapshot of my life when I was 16 years old. These are extracts from a diary entry dated Monday 11 Jan 1993.
‘Very optimistic about the future. I’ve become reflective, withdrawn into myself and I like it. I’m not dependent on anyone.’
I had some really bad friendships at my old school. They bullied me, made me feel horrible about myself and when I changed schools I was trying to change myself. I’d been so desperate for their friendship that I did whatever these girls wanted me to do. Including kissing boys they directed me to kiss and bullying another girl. I completely lost myself.
I changed schools in Year 9 and things got better. High school still wasn’t a good place for me because of all the drama going on at home, but at least it became an oasis to get away from that stuff, rather than another battlefield. I had some good friends who weren’t obsessed with boys and I had a much better time of it.
‘I do my exercises regularly and am trimming up. Measurements 34.5, 26, 34. I’m pretty happy.’
I watched a movie or read a book where they had a woman’s perfect measurements. I was a little vain bugger and decided that I wanted to have these perfect measurements so I began an exercise regime every morning to get to this. Somewhere along the way a boy I liked also said that he found girls who could do the splits really sexy. So I spent months practicing the splits until I could go down all the way on each leg. Crazy.
‘I just read George’s letter. My first and only love letter. It’s beautiful and sweet and it makes me happy.’
I still have this letter. It’s such a gorgeous letter. Actually I’m going to transcribe some of it.
‘To my one and only loved one, Amra
Love is not what I feel for you, it’s something stronger than that. When I say I love you, it feels empty. It doesn’t say how I really feel because I don’t feel only love, I feel you. Your warmth, your happiness, your joy and your tender lips which I will hopefully reach one day.’
As you can see it’s beautiful penmanship on gorgeous white paper and it was wrapped with a red ribbon. This boy was a true romantic. I remember receiving this letter and being so choked up with emotion I could barely breathe. I never went out with him. I think I was too scared off by his emotion and heartfelt sincerity. Whenever I saw him for weeks afterwards I was in an agony of embarrassment and squirmed under his stare. He was really cute too. He looked so sweet with brown eyes and tousled hair.
At this point I had a really disturbed view of relationships and had a habit of fixating on guys I could never get, or agreeing to go out with a guy and then dumping him the day after because I was too weirded out by the opposite sex. I don’t think I was very considerate of other people’s feelings, especially boys who liked me. I don’t think I was very kind to George, but I can’t really remember. My memory is very selective, anything that will make me feel bad gets wiped out. I have a strong survival mechanism which is why a lot of high school is a blur.
‘My hair is short and I’m trying to grow out my blonde dye.’
I always was and still am obsessed with my hair. It’s my big vanity. I chop it, dye it, ruin it, get rid of it, then obsess about growing it out again. It’s an ongoing battle. As you can see in the photo I kept a lock of my own hair. If that’s not vain, I don’t know what is.
‘I want to be a journalist but only if I can get a cadetship.’
I remember doing research about being a journalist and there was a uni course or you could get a cadetship, which was hugely competitive. In the end I did nothing. Once I got to the tail end of high school and had to do something I got too scared and sabotaged my chances at uni. I ended up going to university when I was 25 years old. It took that long to get the confidence in myself that I could achieve this.
‘Gotta go and watch MASH.
MASH isn’t on anymore. I’m pissed off.’
I’m still a tv junkie and have my favourite shows that make me all googly happy.
‘I’ve got a sewing machine and I use it. I’m making a dress for her in red silk. I’ve got to finish it.’
I was making a red silk dress for my best friend’s birthday. I remember that. I measured her beforehand, but of course wasn’t too versed in the whole leaving a few inches for the sewing part so when I finished it she couldn’t fit into it.
I was absolutely devastated. I’d bought a huge box and packed in with tissue paper. I spent ages sewing and was obsessed with seeing her in this beautiful red, silk dress that would bring out her dark hair and eyes, but never did. I wonder what happened to the dress.
She’s still my best friend all these years later and I’ll have to ask her about it. Still have the sewing machine too. I’ve used it off and on during the years, but in the past my attention to detail has always let me down. I’m keeping it because I keep thinking it will come in handy to make costumes for Sofia when she’s at school.
‘I wanna get a tattoo of a rose on my ass. I’ll wait til I’m of age and decide.’
I did end up getting a tattoo of a rose on my arm when I was 21. The ass was out by this time because it was dissected by stretch marks and cellulite. This was a big achievement for me because it was something I’d dreamed about for so long. It made me realise that the only thing stopping me from doing something I wanted-was myself.
Still love the tattoo because of what it symbolizes although sometimes I feel a bit annoyed that I picked the most passé design in the world. Every girl gets a rose tattoo! And also by the time I did get a tattoo it wasn’t this huge rebellious thing because every Tom, Dick and Harriet had a tattoo.
‘Haven’t had a boyfriend since Edo and don’t want one. Waste of time. V is halfway in love with R. Stupid. Doesn’t take much for a female to fall in love. I wonder how I’m gonna be. I hope I don’t automatically mould myself to his tastes like I see everyone doing.’
I never did have a boyfriend in high school. I did have a lot of crushes though and was quite boy crazy at one point. Edo was a guy I was with for five minutes when I visited my cousin in Adelaide. After high school I dated a few guys, kissed a lot of frogs, and at 19 I met my Prince. We ended up getting married 8 months after we met. It was a completely crazy, completely whirlwind courtship. We’ve been married for 13 years and still madly in love.
And no, I did not mould myself to his tastes. There’s something inside of me that is just unable to conform. My husband has this whole speech about how I don’t ever do anything he says, but if I feel like he’s attempting to dictate my choices there’s this part of me that internally rebels.
After watching my mother lose her whole life because she was always conforming to a man’s expectations I’m hardwired to do the opposite. It means I’m a prickly porcupine to live with sometimes, but at least my husband also says he loves me because I’m spicy. Let’s just say things are never boring between us.
And in response to Steph describing herself:
‘I think it’s really important to remember that I’m an atypical teenager. I’m very family-oriented, and don’t have many close friends. I’ve been doing high school by distance for the past four years. I hate parties. I refuse to drink, smoke, take drugs or engage in any other risky behaviours. I spend a lot more time with my family or on my own than I spend with people my age. I don’t really understand crushes or teenage dating rituals or why everyone wants to get laid so much. I live most of my life in my head.’
I too didn’t then, and don’t now, have many close friends. I think most writers are a bit of loners. I used to be embarrassed about this tag, but now I say it with pride. In fact I’ll say it again. I’m a loner.
I didn’t engage in drinking etc. In fact at the ripe old age of 32 I’ve never been drunk. I saw too many people get damaged by poor choices when affected by alcohol so I didn’t do it.
I was extremely boy crazy and while I didn’t want to get laid, too many yucky things happening when I was too young to understand, I was driven by my hormones into crushes that led nowhere.
But I did then, and do now, live most of my life in my head. I find myself having to fight to be present now that I have a child and make sure I’m not distant. Again another symptom of the writing affliction. You’re always torn between the real world and your fictional world, which sometimes feels more real than the one you’re living.
So that’s me at 16. A lot vain, a little sad, trying to find my place, with one good friend. What were you like at 16?
great post amra – I think I’m of the school that thinks we don’t really change as people – and sometimes it occurs to me that this is why I’m drawn to writing about young people – constantly going back to the past to keep a handle on the present…
I have to agree. I don’t think I’ve changed too much from the person I was, apart from some edges being smoothed out and developing more patience etc. I found writing The Good Daughter really cathartic. Giving someone else a lot of my angst made it a lot less important.
This is about now and not at 16
But I just wanted to say that it was reassuring to me that you too have to fight to stay present since you’ve had a child. Everyone always makes fun of me about talking alot, but it’s a different story when I”m alone. I tend to wander around in my mind exploring my current WIP and ideas and life in general.
In this current climate of the perfect mother it’s a terrible admission, but as a writer that’s the bloody truth. Thankfully I’m fortunate that I have childcare so that in the mornings I can do the zoning out and then focus on her when she’s home, otherwise I’d be in a world of trouble.
Love this post, Amra.
This is a beautiful post. At 16 (same year as you), I always tried too hard – to fit in, to get good grades, to be what I thought I should be. It was exhausting and looking back, my friends tell me I was pretty scary! I’ve found that writing is a great way to relieve the pressure for me. I only write well when I don’t try too hard – it’s a great learning experience!
Thanks Jodi. It was an interesting process to write. So cringeworthy reading old entries and mediating on my young self.
Res-I have to agre that I can also only write when I’m not trying too hard. Before I wrote The Good Daughter I was pushing so hard with writing and not getting anywhere. I was trying to write what would get published, rather than the story I was desperate to tell. The lessons you have go through.
Well right now I’m actually 16. I guess I describe myself as a picky, honest and real person. When I meet people I look for authenticity (if thats even a word). I want to be surrounded by people who can inspire, people who aren’t afraid to love and feel, and people who dont care what others think. Unlike you, I do have quite a lot of close friends that i consider my sisters. I’ve only crushed on maybe 2 or 3 guys so far in high school. 1 I guess I kinda fell for. I liked him for almost 2 years but things never picked up so I left our situation as is. Right now I don’t really like anyone and I’m the happiest that I have been in a LONG time. I feel as a teenager, I have immense freedom to explore my horizons. To me, my teenage years are all about finding out what makes me happy, and where I want to go in life. I’ve realized that a relationship in high school is kinda pointless… not only because teens are immature to handle a authentic relationship, but because in a way you have your whole entire life for relationships so what’s the hurry? Well anyways I liked your post on being 16. This is how being 16 is for me so far.
Nat, great to hear from you. You sound like you’ve got a really great head on your shoulders and you’re having a good experience in high school. I’m glad you’ve sorted out a few things and you’re feeling happy. Hope you drop by again.
Amra