Amra Pajalic

I’m on a panel at the The Wheeler Centre Auditorium, 6:00PM – 7:00PM, Monday 29 March 2010. No bookings required. For more information click here.

I don’t remember writing The Good Daughter being as painful as the sequel. I feel like I’m wrenching each word from inside of me and when it gets to the page it just hangs there, all wonky and wrong, but I keep moving forward, piling on more words, with the plan that I’ll go back and mow the lawn, clear the hedge, and make it look pretty.

I get frustrated because the moments between unselfconscious writing are few and far between. I’ve written so many words, 1000s and 1000s of words, yet I hardly feel like I have anything to show for it.

Wracking my brains for a solution I began re-reading The Good Daughter and then I realised why I’m struggling so much. Sabiha was an extension of myself and her world was my world. With the sequel I’m stretching myself as a writer and writing from different points of view. I’m not as comfortable because I need to learn about the character, discover their voice and see their world.

The search is agonising and demoralising, but every once in a while there is a glimmer and the world I’m creating comes to life, for a second or two it shimmers in front of me and I can almost see, taste and touch it. Then a wrong word makes its crooked entry on the page and I lose it, but these moments are slowly piling on top of each other. I love the quote that writing is like walking in the dark with a flashlight and you keep stumbling on and off the path. That’s how I feel.

My husband broke his arm a few weeks ago. As a result I’ve had to leave the house in order to be able to write and have found that his forced exile has been really positive for my writing. I’ve been writing at my university library and having a time limit when I have to pick up my daughter as well as no internet on my laptop has meant that I’ve been extremely productive.

I finally found my groove with writing and am immersing myself in this world, which means my real world is kind of fading away. It’s taken a lot of handwriting and planning using Donald Maass How to Write a Breakout Novel Workbook. Now I’m in the process of transcribing my notes so I can develop it into a draft.

Handwriting every day lets me be free with my writing. No pressure, no expectation. The only negative is that it’s aggravating my carpul tunnel. I’m hoping typing will be a bit easier on it since I’m not required to form my hand into a fist.

It’s so exciting to finally see my book in my head like a movie, but frustrating that I constantly have something holding me back. Now that I’ve organised the admin side of it, it’s my body failing me.

Being out of the house has given me a new lease. Before I was published I used to listen to writers extolling their writing process of being in the pajamas and this seemed like a wonderful reality to live in. But when you mix in motherhood and the enforced domesticity this comes with, writing at home in your pajamas actually becomes like a little death to your writing.

I got to the point where I was unmotivated to go anywhere, even visiting friends or going shopping. The less I did, the less I felt like doing. Being outside of the house means I have to dress presentably, brush my hair, and meet a deadline. It gives me structure and purpose.

I can’t write non-stop so I take reading material and things I need to do to break up the time, and this also means I’m more proactive and achieving my to do lists:

• Writing articles
• Write a short story,
• Prepare activities for the Artists in Schools project I’m participating in,
• Organise files on my hard drive

It feels like I have a part time job and the house is suffering for it, piles of washing and fluffballs on the floor. Fact is you can’t do it all and priorities need to be set.