Happy New Year
January 4th, 2010 § 3 Comments
In the past I spent New Year’s typing up lists of resolutions and goals that I would tape prominently near my computer. The goal would be that each time I sat down to write I would read my goals and resolutions and work toward achieving them. The reality was that I would then torment for the first four months of the year by reading each of my goals, and realising I had actually not done anything to achieve them. By the time May rolled around my eyes stopped seeing my list and it would only be at the end of the year, when I cleared my corkboard that I’d notice my list, read it, feel like crap, and toss it into the trash, before sitting down and typing out yet another list.
Now I’ve learnt better. No more lists, no more bloody goals, no more resolutions, no more torture, no more guilt. There’s nothing like having a baby to give you perspective. When you have kids in your life you realise nothing is in your control. You learn to roll with the punches, make fluid plans, and not procrastinate. So my new year’s resolution: live each day to the best of my ability, write when I can, and take it easy.
2009 has been the best year of my life in so many ways: the birth of my baby on the 29 December 2008, the publication of my debut novel on the 4 May 2009. Both these events were much anticipated with joy and while they brought me a lot of happiness, 2009 has also been the worst year of my life. I have never been brought so low: motherhood with its sleep deprivation and unending demands, being a debut novelist and navigating the unknown world of publishing where I was so out of my comfort zone it was almost like I was on Mars.
I spent so many years anticipating the joy I would feel when I was published, practicing my interviews in my head, that the reality of being a first-time mother and first-time author, the combined pressure of both, the sleep deprivation and the stress, made it all a jumble of fear, helplesness and failure. It got to the point where I couldn’t wait for the publicity juggernaut to end so I could have some time to breathe, to remember who I am, and to think clearly.
These past few months I haven’t been writing and while not writing has taken me to a dark place, I also needed the time to learn to be still again, to enjoy my solitude and get back to myself. When you have a baby your every moment is consumed and the moments you have to yourself you just crave the oblivion of sleep it seems as if time disappears into a black hole and you blink, and a year has passed. So this year I am going to stop berating myself. Instead of focusing on all the things I say wrong/or do wrong I’m going stop, remember something positive, take a breath and smile.
Happy New Year everyone. I hope it’s a good one for each and every one of you.
There are some things that you know, but when you actually go through them, you find out that going through “it” and knowing “it” are different things. Being a mom is one such “it.” You know it will be hard and you will lose a lot of sleep but going through it is a whole different ball game. I have a 7 month old and while I knew it would be a lot of work, work has taken on a whole different meaning
I always saw on t.v. how you should put yourself first to be the best for your family. Putting yourself first is a hard fought battle! I know you understand. I can’t imagine the added pressure of debuting. I think that as long as you know you need to get back to yourself, you are never truely lost. I wish you luck in the new year and I hope that your life is filled with joyous toddler chaos and the confidence of never really losing yourself all at the same time 
I know I’ve been MIA in the blogging world, but its been so great to see how well you’ve been doing!! I wanted to pass along an award for my blog to you. You can read about it here:
http://maiwen18.blogspot.com/2010/01/hmm-lemonade.html
I absolutely agree Karen Rose. Until you have a child yourself there are so many things you don’t get. I’m feeling positive about this year. I’ll be getting help in the form of childcare and get back to writing which is what feeds my soul. Plus Sofia is now bigger and so many things are a bit easier.
Thanks so much Mai Wen. I’ve done my Lemonade award post. Took a while to put together between bub time, but it’s up.