Beautiful monster
October 21st, 2009 § 8 Comments
My baby is a beautiful monster. She’s been teething this weekend and gets really clingy and whingy so she’s been sleeping with me since Friday night. She now sleeps on her stomach and wakes up by going into a crawling position, looks over at me and gives me a gummy smile. She sits up and starts clapping her hands, giving me the signal that she’s ready to party. As her little head pops up I get angry because I’m so tired, then she smiles and I’m laughing, and then 20 minutes later while I’m trying to get her to sleep I’m frustrated and weepy.
Last night my husband took over the night shift from 10 pm and I went to sleep in the spare bedroom. I slept for 3.5 hours beautifully and got up to check on them expecting to find them sleeping, instead my husband was sitting up with her in his arms, his face full of frustration. He rocked her to sleep but every time he tried to put her down she woke crying. I took her from him and he looked over at me and said, ‘How do you do it?’ and began crying from frustration.
While I was sad he was crying, I was also full of joy. I’ve been struggling the past couple of weeks. Feeling weepy and full of frustration as her routine has eroded and her demands increased. My weepiness made me feel weak and embarrassed, but now I feel such relief. If he broke down after 3.5 hours of interrupted sleep and battling with baby then it’s not me being weak, it’s just a natural process of wear and tear. There is a reason sleep deprivation was used as a form of torture.
I’ve made an appointment with MCH nurse and am going to have a chat with her about my feelings lately. Maybe look at a sleep clinic. While I know all the steps I have to take to get her sleeping in her cot and having a set routine, it’s hard reinforcing it constantly because each time she is teething she’s in so much pain and needing more comfort and so I do this dance again.
I remember the heady days when she was 3 months and her sleep cycle stretched out and she’d go down for 8 hours. I was able to placate her by feeding her in bed and had the best sleep ever. I was getting 12 hours easy and feeling so good. In those moments I was so smug about all the complaints about motherhood being hard. Yes, I thought, it is hard. But it’s beautiful and I love it. And while it is still beautiful and I love it, it is so bloody hard because it is unrelenting. Any job you have, no matter how demanding or hard or crappy, ends and you come home and don’t have to think about it again, but parenting does not stop. It is 24/7 regardless of how you feel and that’s what makes it so hard.
Sleep deprivation really affects your psyche. I find it hard to move on from bad thoughts and get into these stupid patterns of thinking and can’t shake them off. This happened once before when I was in uni and sleep deprived and stressed from exams. I c0nvinced myself there was man living in the ceiling of our flat. While I knew this thought was completely irrational, there was no sound, or disturbance, no access to the ceiling or anything like that, this thought kept intruding into my mind and I could not shake it. Finally I shared it with my husband and he got the ladder, climbed up to the ceiling and completed a thorough investigation. Finally I could move on.
This weekend I convinced myself Sofia was a dwarf baby. I knew that it is not possible, she has no physical characteristics, she is always tall when she’s measured during appointments, yet this thought would not leave me. So I started investigating on the internet and looking at baby photos. In the end I shared the thought with my husband and after rolling his eyes a few times, he listed all the rational reasons that this was not possible and I could move on.
While I’ve been battling through my feelings I’ve thankfully had the support of friends who are going through the same things and being able to verbalise some of these crazy thoughts makes them fade into nothingness. My husband has taken time off work and has cared for Sofia so I can ride this wave of fatigue out and I feel like I’m coming out of the ocean for now. But I know that the tide will drag me out again and my husband and friends will pass me a life jacket so I can tread water until I can lift myself onto the boat. That’s the nature of motherhood and it’s worth it, because of my beautiful monster, but it really is the hardest job in the world.
Amra, you’re doing an awesome job and Sofia is so lucky to have you as her mama. I know it’s hard to remember when you’re in it but ‘this too shall pass’.
Thanks Jodi. It goes up and down depending on her sleep and my sleep. For now it’s getting back to normal, we’ll see what happens next week.
Amra, this post made me laugh and want to cry!
A big LOL at the dwarf baby and the man living in the ceiling! While I don’t have a beautiful monster, I totally understand the thoughts. A fatigued mind is an irrational and dangerous one. Rationality is the key but the illogical thoughts can be bloody convincing when we’re weak. I agree, motherhood is the hardest job, but writing isn’t easy either. Congrats on achieving both!
Thanks Demet. They’re both hard yakka and balancing the two is tricky at the moment. I’ve signed up for Nano. Need some extra impetus to try to get into a writing routine so I’ll give it a shot. I’ve attempted it in the past with varying success and at this point it can’t hurt.
Have a great time doing NaNo.
I’m surprised you haven’t been asked to give the writers a pep talk by this stage.
It will be good mixing with fellows and maybe participating in a word war!
The man living in the ceiling of the flat reminded me of Charlotte Perkins Gilman and The Yellow Wall, an important feminist text from early last century. Sleep well, and maybe he won’t come back.
It’s good that Sofia inspires all kinds of feelings in you. If she was a dwarf/short-statured person you would love her just the same, and she would love you right back.
I loved this post. This is the first time I’ve read you’re blog, but this post hit home. I’m a stay-at-home mom with a 5 month old and felt very reassuring to know I’m not crazy and other people feel the way I do at times! Not to mention the fact that you are also a writer and I’m sure face the same obastacles I do. Keep at it, we will make it through this sleep struggle!
Thanks Karen Rose. I’m starting to feel a bit better now. I’ve been taking it easy and last night she fell asleep by herself in the cot. It’s been a 2 week struggle to get to this point and I’m so relieved, although hesitant about celebrating because I still have to reinforce it a few more days to hit home. I hope you’re having a reprieve too.