The contradictions of motherhood
September 12th, 2009 § 7 Comments
It’s amazing how motherhood changes you. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep or brain atrophy from being home in my bubble, but I’ve been struggling with public speaking. It’s something I’m usually good at and just comes naturally. Before I had Sofia I used to look forward to any opportunity to take part in public speaking. I would still be nervous, but when I was standing up in front of people I’d be flying. Sentences would effortlessly trip off my tongue, I’d be able to plan my talk as I was going, and I’d have fun. This year I’ve had a few moments where I managed to enjoy myself, but most of the time I’m in an agony of nerves beforehand, I get up there and my brain shuts down, I can’t remember any stories, I have blank moments, and I can’t maintain my train of thought.
My confidence was getting affected by it so I’d dread the next engagement even more, then keep beating myself up about my performance, thinking of better sentences, things I should have said. I finally had a break-through and in my last presentation I felt like myself. It was effortless and fun, I could feel the audience with me and I was flying.
The only problem is I don’t know why it worked and how to replicate it again. I had a cold, slept for about 5 hours, was taking flu and cold tablets, yet I was there, present in the moment. Was it the lack of self-consciousness because I was in my cold bubble where everything felt far away, was it the fact that I could feel this audience was really interested in what I had to say because they were from the Western suburbs, was it the preparation I did in writing up index card prompts (which I didn’t end up using), was it the practice of all those talks beforehand that I agonised over and I’d finally learnt from my mistakes. I don’t know. I have a couple more talks in October so we’ll see if I can hold it together.
I also find myself struggling with reading and watching anything that features children being hurt. Even ridiculous things like a mystery novel featuring a character left in a gothic mansion by his disengaged parents. Usually I would read this novel and take it for what it is, a convention in order to give the young protagonist an opportunity to be a sleuth, now I read it and judge the parents, feel horrible about this kid being abandoned and can’t finish the novel.
I feel like I’m a mass of contradictions. I want Sofia to eat more solids and wean off the boob because I will go back to being me, having more time and freedom, yet I find myself sabotaging her efforts by giving her too much boob. It’s almost like I get scared about her weaning off and how little breastmilk she needs at this point and then I start putting her on just to keep that connection going.
I had an appointment with the specialist about carpal in my right hand and he recommended I stop breastfeeding because that might be causing the nerve compression because of fluid retention. Whenever people ask me how long will I breastfeed for I’d always say until she’d 2 years old. That way I wouldn’t focus in on the fact that she’s 8 months old and she really only needs to breastfeed until 1. But now that carpal is a factor I really need to push to get her eating more solids. If the carpal is caused by breastfeeding fluid retention, then it will ease as she drops off her feeds.
But I find myself struggling with the inevitability of her not breastfeeding anymore. That she won’t be my baby and I won’t have that primal connection with her. While the rational part of my brain recognises that this is inevitable, the other Mummy part doesn’t want to accept it. While I love seeing her grow and thrive, it also freaks me out because she’s all mine now. I have to carry her, hold her, do everything for her, and no one else can do these things for her. But that’s going to change and I won’t be the centre of her universe anymore, and she won’t be mine, and that’s the way it should be, but I find myself already mourning.
I’m going to be putting her in some from of childcare from January next year. Just a few hours a week. At this point it’s more for my sake then it is for hers. I need to transition off this crazy connection and learn to spend time without her. I know she’ll be fine. She’s one of those kids who’s easy with others and will probably have a ball, while I’ll go home and cry my arse off.
Hiya
I think it’s common for mums to feel “in mourning” when discussing premature weaning. There is SO much evidence that the benefits continue long past one year – even the antibodies etc change at this time to cope with the increase in germs etc toddlers are likely to be exposed to.
How do we measure how much breastfeeding children “need”. If we look at breastfeeding like formula ie just a source of milk for nutrition – then yes as solids increase, this demand diminishes. But breastfeeding is FAR from just about nutrition – it confers psychological and emotional benefits, creates more secure independent children (or should we say that those prematurely weaned are less emotionally secure?) breastfeeding is a recognised pain reliever, comforter (and what IS so wrong about a mother comforting her child instead of handing them a “lovey” substitute?)do all these needs dimish at 8/9 mths?
Breastfeeding doesn’t cause fluid retention and there is no evidence as far as I know (and I have spent 5 years doing little but researching this area) that breastfeeding and the hormones produced affect joints/ligaments etc (beyond old wives tales based on old incorrect understanding of hormones in lactatio). I would ask the specialist exactly how much breastfeeding training or impact of breastfeeding information he has studied – I suspect from their statement very little.
What many don’t know is that breastfeeding actually becomes so easy after the 10/11mth mark. You still get the freedom back as just because a child is still breastfeeding, doesn’t mean they’re not happy to do without when you’re not there or are busy etc – mums do what suits them (supply is bulletproof by this point and changes rapidly to suit varying demands) some only feed at home, some only at night (some only during the day!) some feed frequently at all hours and some vary this depending upon work (ie feed when there, don’t when not!). It becomes a SUPER handy parenting tool as you have an instant “switch off” for those overtired whingy toddler moments, unsettled bedtimes (hormones induce sleep) or bumps and scrapes.
As mentioned nutrional needs can be for the most part met by solids after a year (only then should the shift to more food than milk occur) although in the second year In the second year (12-23 months), 448 mL of breastmilk provides:
29% of energy requirements
43% of protein requirements
36% of calcium requirements
75% of vitamin A requirements
76% of folate requirements
94% of vitamin B12 requirements
60% of vitamin C requirements
So when they’re off colour or sick and can only keep down breastmilk (it’s considered a clear fluid like water and should always continue when infant is sick, unlike formula/dairy cows milk) you can be reassured they are still getting lots of vitamins/minerals and as they will usually always feed when unwell and don’t become dehydrated.
Some great resources are:
http://www.kellymom.com/newman/21bf_toddler.html
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html
http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/toddler-foods.html
http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detwean.html
“”I’m going to be putting her in some from of childcare from January next year. Just a few hours a week. At this point it’s more for my sake then it is for hers. I need to transition off this crazy connection and learn to spend time without her. I know she’ll be fine. She’s one of those kids who’s easy with others and will probably have a ball, while I’ll go home and cry my arse off.”"
Not for one moment suggesting you shouldn’t do this if you want/need to – but at 1-2 yrs, there is no “benefit” to your daughter in doing this. Somewhere between 2-2 and a half, children stop playing alongside each other and start playing WITH each other – this is the point in which children start relating to their peers and see them as also providing security. It is therefore at this point lots of social interaction can start to form the foundations of etiquette/social dos and donts etc. Prior to this the absolute optimum for a child is one stable reliable carer and normal social interaction you do together on a daily basis (groups, shops etc)
The crazy connection you talk about is instinct, it’s there to protect you both and breastfeeding also releases the hormone “oxytocin” which is the bonding hormone. As they grow, this connection gradually changes – suddenly you feel fine about them being off elsewhere and enjoy the “me time” instead of counting down the minutes until you are reunited. In todays society, leaving young infants seems to be seen as the normal thing to do – whilst I recognise it’s essential for some and even desirable, the shift to this providing benefits for the infant is one I don’t agree with at all. All the current research shows children in daycare from a young age are less secure, more aggressive/posessive, less likely to share than those who enter later.
Thanks so much for your comments Latesia. I was a bit surprised by what the specialist said because I hadn’t read anything about breastfeeding impacting on carpal tunnel, but if this is the case then it will ease anyway as her breastfeeding drops. I really don’t want to stop breastfeeding at the one year mark. I want her to keep breastfeeding until she weans herself off, whenever that may be.
I feel so fortunate that I’m able to breastfeed. I have a friend who’s suffering from constant blockages and is worn out from the pain and has to wean her baby off and I know of so many Mums who didn’t pursue breastfeeding because they didn’t get enough support in the beginning.
I have to say that I love breastfeeding not just for the bonding, but yes because it is a pain-reliever and opportunity to quiten her down when she’s tired etc. It’s such a lifesaver sometimes and I want to keep having that. And I’ve also been hearing anecdotally from other mums about how their children didn’t get ill until after they stopped breastfeeding, so from that perspective it’s also a great bonus.
I’m going to have to put her in childcare next year so that I can take on public speaking gigs. So far this year I’ve been able to coordinate it with my husband’s days off work, but I won’t be able to do that anymore. But I would only be putting her in a maximum of four hours and only once a week.
I’m so relieved what you’re saying about the hormone being released and increasing bonding. I’ve been getting a bit worried about my dependence on her. Feeling like if this continues I will cripple her by constantly wanting her with me, so it’s good to know things will naturally shift with no forcing on my part.
I’ll have to check out iwantmymum.com website. Looks like it has fabulous resources.
Cheers
Amra
Hiya
YVW
I believe the whole joint thing is down to the hormone “relaxin”. This is produced during pregnancy to help the pelvis become loose and supple for delivery and the veins to allow extra blood flow – the downside being obviously any old issues can flare up during this time. Relaxin is produced by the corpus luteum, decidua and placenta and so drops dramatically post partum and continues to decline (I believe it can take 6-12 mths for levels to return to pre-pregnancy state) This hormone has nothing to do with breastfeeding (prolactin and oxytocin are the breastfeeding ones) but the old wives tale (now disproved) used to be that breastfeeding mums would continue to produce relaxin until cessastion.
I feel so sorry for your friend
is there not anyone qualified locally who could help? An IBCLC or a La Leche counsellor or suchlike? blockages are one of the easier issues to resolve with help – what a shame your friend has been so let down 
Also agree about the lifesaver! I think it must be very hard to parent without it. I remember talking to a bottle feeding friend about teething nightwakings when we had toddlers; whereas I had magic “boo” (even if 20 times a night!) which meant I didn’t have to move out of bed
my friend had to push back and forth in a buggy in the bedroom/ rock and sway/ put headphones on! (yes really lol)etc etc and I was suddenly SO glad I was still nursing LOL
Breastfeeding is even more valuable to those in daycare or anywhere they are exposed to large groups of children (which = large groups of germs lol) (and stop me if you know this
) when a nursling comes in contact with bacteria, this is then passed to the mother via saliva when feeding. The antibody is then made locally within the mothers breast (to prevent mum becoming ill too!) and then passed back at subsequent feedings (perhaps not a coincidence often infants want to nurse a lot when unwell?!) If you are exposed to the bacteria first, often the infant receives the antibody prior to exposure and so prevents them displaying syptoms 
The stats of “time absent from work caring for a sick child” are SO much higher in non breastfed infants (as are the number of dr vsits per year) I really can’t work out why employers aren’t doing everything they can to encourage longer term breastfeeding, it would save them a fortune!
Yes feelings will absolutely naturally shift
Particulaly once they are verbal and can tell you when unhappy/want to do something etc. Do you sign with your DD? I found this fantastic as she could express lots very early. It’s really crazy how society is set up to make mums feel odd or worried over an intense bond – lots do! Yet when we look at what is biologically and psycologically best for baby – we should be embracing this closeness as it’s what they NEED at this age and how we are supposed to feel. All too soon they are wanting to be off doing their own thing – often more so if made to feel very secure when little. The close bond is still there but it changes….now when my LO skips off for a sleepover with relatives I take the luxury of planning my evening (LO is 6) whereas the thought of her being out overnight when little would leave me with panic attack and cold sweats pmsl
A good friend of mine describes it as human nature like any other relationship. If we had a partner who was pushing us to go off and do something alone, witholding affection – putting some distance between u; the normal response is to become MORE “needy” to reaffirm their feelings. If we have someone who is reassuring, showing their support, confident you will do whatever it is when ready – we are far more likely to feel secure and empowered enough to go it alone..
My friend has tried everything to shift her blockages, breastfeeding clinic, private lactation consultant, a specialist whose area of expertise is mastitis, time-she’s been breastfeeding for nearly 5 months and everything she read kept reassuring her the problem would resolve by the 3 month mark. Unfortunately her body just isn’t her friend. She’d love to keep breastfeeding, but the constant pain (she still experiences pain every feed because one of her nipples burns) and regular lumps and mastitis is wearing her down. Sometimes we’re just victims of our bodies and we have to know when to give in the towel. She’s done her best, but it’s time for her to put her wellbeing a priority.
I had an awful pregnancy and threw up at least once a day every single day of my pregnancy. Kept getting advice to try this, that and the other, that it would stop after this trimester, that trimester, unfortunately my body just didn’t work that way. Thankfully the baby kept developing while I kept losing weight. Sometimes our bodies just don’t do what they are meant to do.
I bought the sign language books, but haven’t been persisting so this is a good reminder to get into it. She’s starting to recognise words so it’s the perfect time for her to get into the signing.
I agree that the more bonding/reassurance you can do with the baby the more settled she is. Because she doesn’t have to whinge to get attention she is more placid. But thankfully I’m in a situation where I can completely focus on her needs. Have a cousin who has 3 month twins, a 15 month son and 7 year old twins and she fights to survive the day. And that’s why I’m doubling up on birth control so I have no accidents until I’m ready LOL.
Re your friend – was it an IBCLC (Independent board certified lactation consultant) your friend saw? I’m a little baffled by the would resolve by 3 mth comment as unless the cause is identified, how would it spontaneously resolve at any set date? do you see what I mean? it’s a bit like saying toothache will go three weeks on Friday if the cause isn’t treated….
Blocked ducts are caused by milk statis; when for whatever reason milk isn’t moving effectively through. The blockages lead to mastitis if not dealt with.
The burning nipple is interesting as not linked with blocked ducts per se (ie not a symptom) but could provide a clue to what is going on.
The most common cause of blocked ducts is ineffective milking of the breast ie baby isn’t effectively completely emptying the breasts, but can also be caused by illfitting bra’s, seatbelts (anything applying pressure) poor attachment (whereby there is a section of the breast not drained) Whereabouts are the blockages in the breast? this often gives amore of a clue as to what is the cause.
Has your friend been told how to treat a blockage as soon as it appears, to prevent it developing into something v painful and mastitis? Has lecithin been suggested if all the above reasons have been ruled out?
The burning could again be down to attachment (friction where nipple meets wrong part of mouth) – could also be thrush, but that would indicate to me something more is going on than “just one of those things”. Yes some women just cant breastfeed, but when we think this is less than 1% of women and includes those with hormone issues, insufficient glandular tissue etc it’s very vey rare and usually something more severe than blocked ducts.
If you’re friend wanted to chat to me on email, am happy for you to pass my details on (I’m qualified and happy to demonstrate this) not saying this is the case for your friend, but I have supported SO many mums who have seen numerous experts (and very often spent a fortune) only to discover the amount of actual certified breastfeeding training the experts had undertaken was small. I work as a volunteer counsellor (ie not for payment) and did a 3yr certified course aside from my own research and practice.
Re sickness I also had this with my first and yes lol tried all the so called help methods and yes mine didn’t pass either, but as you say – your baby continued to grow and thrive despite this, so, perhaps your body did do as it was supposed to? Pregnancies can continue to be healthy with sickness, whereas until the mass marketing of a deficient product purely for profit – a baby would have died if not able to feed well.
Quote Have a cousin who has 3 month twins, a 15 month son and 7 year old twins and she fights to survive the day.
Gosh I imagine that is HECTIC!
Hi Amra, I think you should breastfeed as long as you can, but if your hand in compromising your health and your ability to take care of Sophia then just stop. You’ve done great to go up to 8 months. I felt that same sadness when I was going to stop breastfeeding. It doesn’t last long. Once you get your life back, and your hand heals, you will feel fantastic. You will have yourself back. I think as mothers we are too hard on ourselves. We can’t be superwoman. Even your hesitation to take her to crache – take her and don’t feel bad about it. I take my daughter once or twice a week and she loves it. Sure I feel guilty sometimes, but during my time away from her I replenish my soul, my me. If we don’t take care of ourselves as mothers, how can we take care of our children? Society expects EVERYTHING from us. If I spend too much time with my daughter without a break I get impatient and growchy – wait until terribvle twos, you will pray for the time away. When my daughter is away I do the grocery shopping, or I write or read. The older they get the less they sleep and you will find Amra that soon, you won’t be able to write when Sophia is home. She will hardly sleep and you will be chasing her all day!
I hope your hand gets better soon
Hang in there, you are doing a great job!
Koraly, I am so seeing what you mean. She’s not sleeping as much during the day and is super hyper. Just doesn’t stop moving, playing, making noise. It’s gorgeous, but also exhausting. I’ve realised the only way to write is when she’s in bed. She’s back into a routine and going to sleep at a reasonable time, I’ve just been keeping her on the boob too long at night-thinking if she goes later to bed she’ll wake later. Doesn’t work. She still wakes up 5.30 for her first feed, regardless of when she goes to bed.
Last night she was in the cot by 8 pm and I was writing for an hour and a half and it was such a weight off my shoulders to be able to concentrate exclusively on my writing. The carpal tunnel seems to be getting better the past few weeks. I don’t know if it’s the Deep Heat I’m rubbing in every night, the fact that I use the hand less, or the breastfeeding dropping off as her solids pick up, so I’m feeling a lot more positive.
Definitely putting her in childcare once a week for a few hours from January. I need the space to take on public speaking gigs and if nothing is on for the week then have some free time. Also all excited about being able to have some alone time with hubby every once a while when he swaps his day off for her childcare day.
Cheers
Amra