Amra Pajalic

So I’m on the publicity trail for my novel at the moment. I’ve been juggling these commitments with taking care of my baby-where I can I take her with me and my husband has been caring for her when I can’t. He’s been telling me that he’s had trouble feeding her my expressed breastmilk from the bottle, but I haven’t been really taking that on. Thankfully it hasn’t been an issue because most of the time I’m only gone for a couple of hours and she’s been able to wait. But I have the Reading Matters conference happening at the end of the month and these are full day commitments so we decided to practice leaving her for longer stretches by me running errands on the weekend while he cares for her. So it really hit home that she won’t drink from the bottle.

So yesterday I’m feeling tired and stressed about all the stuff I have to do and juggling taking care of her-so I make the decision she has to be good and hungry in order to feed from the bottle. So she starts indicating she’s hungry, but I decide to push it and make her wait. My husband doesn’t agree, but he’s deferred the decision to me. She starts crying and I’ve never heard this cry in my life. I usually respond to her cries really quickly because I recognise what she needs by her tones. She doesn’t ever really cry for long stretches, plus she’s really easy to placate. At the end of the day when she’s tired she’s content to just be held and have eye contact-that’s all she needs. So she’s crying so hard she’s shaking, starts choking

My husband breaks and starts crying. He’s pleading with me to feed her. I start crying and after a few seconds I fold, and put her on the boob. I put a call to my Maternal Child Health nurse and tell her what’s happening. That she’s won’t take the bottle, that I need to undertake work activity and that I can’t take her with me because I’m scared I’ll be viewed as unprofessional. Plus I’m stumped she won’t take the bottle because a month ago it was a non-issue. She’d take the bottle from me or my husband easily.

The nurse addresses first the issue of bottle feeding. It’s natural for a baby to develop an aversion to the bottle at this age. The breast is not just about food, but about comfort. She also tells me that I shouldn’t be pushing the bottle-feeding. The harder I push, the more traumatised she gets and the more it won’t happen. I shouldn’t be persisting for more than 15 minutes and definitely not be making her wait for food as a way of encouraging her to eat.

Then she gets into the unprofessional thing. ‘Why is it unprofessional for you to have your baby with you? she demands. ‘It’s the most natural thing in the world to feed your baby.’ And I think, yes it is. Why is it that my baby can’t tag along with me? On Tuesday night I had a talk and signing to a women’s group. My husband came with Sofia and he took care of her while I talked. I fed her before the talk, I fed her after the talk, and that was that. I wasn’t stressed, she wasn’t stressed, it was just easy and natural. I was able to do the career thing and the baby thing at the same time.

So I’m thinking why is motherhood a dirty word? Why is it that needing to care for my baby makes me feel weak and stupid, and unprofessional? The nurse tells me that I should be taking my baby with me and showing other mothers that it’s natural to breastfeed. I’ve never cared about public opinion, but now I feel like I need permission from someone to trust my instincts. After I tell my husband what she said he’s furious. Why didn’t I listen to him when he was telling me the same thing? That’s the rub, it’s always easier to listen to someone else who is objective and outside the situation.

In society today there’s supposed to be more of an acceptance of women’s choice to be mothers, but that’s only the case if it’s kept separate from other facets of your life. Motherhood is about choice. We make a choice to be mothers and therefore have to deal with whatever this means. We have to organise for our child so it doesn’t inconvenience other people and be able to do things without the baby. Because I made the choice to breastfeed it’s supposed to be my problem. But this isn’t about my choices, this is about my baby. She needs food, I provide food. It’s that simple.

While I could make another choice that would end this whole problem and put her on formula-I will not. I would rather tank my writing career than make a decision like that. Thankfully I am able to breastfeed-something some women cannot do. I was able to organise my life so I can have one year off paid work in order to accommodate this in my life. My baby is healthy and happy. I love breastfeeding my baby. It was bloody hard in the beginning and I went through blood, sweat and tears until it came naturally and now it is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. It’s something I can do for my baby that ensures she has the best chance at good health and it’s an amazing bonding process. I will breastfeed for at least 1 year, but I will keep doing it for as long as she wants. I will only wean her off if we get to toddler age, otherwise she will get food from me however long she wants it. And I will learn not to give a stuff about what other people think.

Most importantly I will learn to trust my instincts and not let public opinion impact on my mothering. I have always been a decisive strong person, but since I’ve become a mother I second-guess myself constantly. I’m always wondering if I’m doing the right thing. It stops now. What’s best for my baby is what’s best for me. No more bad decisions, no more stress.