Amra Pajalic

I received an email from the Black Inc publicist who was wondering if I was interested in participating in a interview in the local paper about my story being published in the 2005 Best Australian Stories. The answer was obviously-absolutely. There are three other anthology participants (this is from across the three collections Best Essay, Best Poems and Best Stories). The group interview will be on Monday and the journo will be callling us individually to ask a few questions.

I’m so exited and I just can’t hide it!!!! At the moment all I’m imaginging is all these little tidbits being displayed on my as yet non-existant website. My husband (who learnt some website design when he was completing his degree) said he’d do it but I’m getting the feeling that boat ain’t sailing any time soon. My friend Jodi who comes up in January learnt how to use Dreamweaver so she’ll give me the heads up.

I’ve got manuals on how to use Dreamweaver and I have done some basic html design by updating an intranet site at one of my previous jobs but I just don’t feel like I have any energy to teach myself at this point. I’m so consumed with my novel and all the other writing I want to do that I don’t feel like I have the headspace to take this on too alone. So it will be great. Once Jodi shows me some basic things I’ll be able to start mucking around with it on my own and using the manuals to figure things out. And now I’ll have a reason for a media page (ha, ha).

But it’s so funny I know what I want to be up on my website (as in the content) but the thing I’m caught up with at the moment is: what colours represent me as an individual. But then I think is it really about the colours that decide me as an individual or is about colours that represent my writing. Yes, I’ll be having fun with this debate.

Well I inhaled Meg Cabot’s novel and finished it on Monday. She is so cool. I love the character of Suze, the main character in her Mediator series. She’s so unconventional for a girl, a wisecracking smart arse with a mean right hook. It’s so much fun to be in that world and just enjoy the ride. Now I have to restrain my impatience and not read them all back to back. I need to save them as my special pick me up when the going gets tough.

I’m reading Jennifer Weiner’s Goodnight Nobody and it’s not floating my boat as much as I thought it would. She’s still got her touch and is a wonderful writer, but my problem comes more from the credibility of her main character stumbling around and investigating this murder and the way she’s doing it. I’m halfway through so the jury’s still out on this one.

I’m hoping to do a bit on the writing front today. My goals are to finish a short story I started a while ago and type up my notebook pages. Although to be realistic I know I’ll only get one of these things done. I’m in the study (my main computer is in for repairs so my laptop is tied up with cables etc). My cats are with me. Trotsky (the fat wog cat) is on the chest of drawers next to the window and Roscoe (my pepi lama) is on the second computer chair. They’re sleeping sweetly and keeping me company. I think I’ll take a photo and put it up later. Anyway, I’m off to do some hard yakka.

Started the day off feeling really tired and completely lacking in any energy. Got a sugar hit in the form of a choc-chip muffin and tea which woke me up slightly. Felt in the blues and went to Borders for some retail therapy. Bought Jennifer Weiner’s latest novel which is a murder-mystery Goodnight Nobody and Meg Cabot’s first novel in the Mediator series. I read the first chapter on her website and have been craving it ever since.

As soon as I bought the books my mood improved. Just having them in my clutches and knowing that soon I was going to be immersed in these lovely worlds lifted my mood. I started reading Mediator-Love You To Death in an extra long lunch break (sshhh, don’t tell anyone) and I’m bloody loving it.

Meg Cabot rules. She writes so well and with such verve that I’ve become an addict. I know I’m going to have to get the whole series now that I’ve started. Since they’re young adult book they are quite slim (about 50,000 words) which is about 2 hours of reading time for me. I’m just thankful I’ve already got some dough stashed in my kitty at home so I can go book-buying again by the end of the week.

I’ve learnt that when I’m feeling like this (as in not in the mood to write AT ALL) I just have to go with it. And nothing gets me back in the mood to work on my own writing as quickly as reading really great novels by fabulous writers. Inspiration (in the form of hero-worship and envy mixed in equal amounts) gets me motivated.

It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between a real energy slump and the pursuit of procrastination but I’ve learnt to trust my instincts. This isn’t procrastination. I’ve got scenes for my novel plotted and the characterisation is going swimmingly I just honestly feel wiped out.

Either I’m coming down with something (please God no, she pleads from the floor) or this weather is really stuffing around with my body clock. It’s constantly overcast and dark indoors so you can just feel any energy ebbing on a tide of fatigue. But remembering I’ve got the rest of the Mediator book to get through and Shepherd’s Pie for dinner means that getting through the next few hours of work will not be that tortorous. Who knows I might even get through some work (snicker, snicker)!!!

PS I still haven’t typed my handwritten notes. Oh well, it’s for another day when I feel like a stronger person.

I went on Thursday to the launch of the 2005 Best Australian Stories which was combined with the release of 2005 Best Australian Essays. My mate Kim and I sat in the back so we could observe and make a quick get-away if this proceedings got too dull. As we sat waiting for the proceedings to begin we watched the audience fill up in front of us. I knew things were going to be dicey when out of 100 people, there were only 15 who were under 45 years of age. Most of the audience was there for the essays and it was a very sedate crowd from last year.

They interchanged readings of stories and essays. There was one chick who did a reading from her essay that was supposed to be about sexuality and Ava Gardener (she was an American who came to Oz in 1958 and her father worked at MGM so she met Ava Gardner as a kid). She started her reading with the words “I’m going to read an extract in the hope that it will entice you to buy the book,” and it was all down-hill from there.

The only thing she enticed me toward was finding a knife and slashing my wrists during the proceedings. I would’ve run out (the way other, braver audience members were doing but Kim was to much of a chicken) so we endured. The only thing that made it paltable was I pulled out a notebook from my handbag and Kim and I were exchanging cheeky notes with each other to pass the time. The minute they wound up the launch I ran for the door and we had a nice dinner and gassbag at a cafe in Glebe and then home. Even though the launch was a bust, my girlfriend and I had a howling good time so any excuse will do.

In terms of my writing stats this week-fair. I’m trying to really knuckle down and do a lot of writing but it just isn’t happening. I wrote 19 notebook pages and have yet to type it up but it should be at the nearly 5000 word mark. I think I’m just going to make peace with my fate. That’s as good as I can do at this time and I’m still moving along with my novel. The great thing is I’ve got the voice of my character down and while what I’m writing down at the moment will still benefit from revising, it’s of a fair quality.

I’m currently doing the dial up internet thing and I’m not happy to say the least. Our IMac has been having troubles and we’ve had to hand in to get repaired. It’s only 13 months old and is acting like its on its last legs. If it’s a hardrive problem then it’s covered by Apple, if it’s software then we’ll have to part with some moula (oh the pain, the pain). I’ll know by the end of the week.

It’s been a week of overcast skies and constant rain. I woke up at 9.30 this morning and already feel in need of a nap. My husband has made his specialty-Shepherd’s Pie (which is really Cottage Pie because we use beef mince instead of lamb). It’s nearly finished baking so I’m going to stuff my face and have a nap. The transcribing of my notebook writing can wait. I know that I have to do it today because I’ll have a huge amount of back up and also the possibility of losing my notebook and all my writing is pretty risky, but tonight there’s no tv so I’ll be able to get through it.

This week a lot of great new tv shows are starting so my summer of decadence will begin. There’s Ghost Whisperer with Jennifer Love Hewitt as a medium who sees ghosts as well as Veronica Mars, a kooky mystery show that’s been likened to OC’s version of Twin Peaks and a few others. Bring it on.

Well I’m over the NaNo thing for a few reasons. I was writing every single day and really getting ahead with my writing but crashed and burned last week. Writing every day just doesn’t work. So I’ve decided to go back to my write during the week and have weekends off from the novel method. This will also hopefully allow me to work on some short fiction projects for comps I want to enter.

This week I was doing well:
Mon 14/11-Wrote a draft of a erotic fiction story for Cosmo. Needs some major re-working but at least I have something down.
Tue 15/11-6 pages, 1578 words
Wed 16/11-5 pages, 1164 words
Thu 17/11-6 pages, haven’t typed it yet but probably close to 1500 words
Fri 18/11-was going to do another 6 pages and get my 5000 words a week done but had one of those days where I was running around from morning to night doing errands. The whole day I kept thinking “How do writers with kids do it?” Was majorly grumpy by the end of the day and good for nothing.
Sat 19/11-still deluded and hoping to catch up but one of those “bite you in the bumb life moments” happened to screw with my day. My tabby Roscoe got a urinary tract infection so I had to ferry him to the vets, leave him while they did tests, then bring him back. So $180 and five hours later, all I wanted to do was read and relax. Plus I think I got sun-stroke because I walked from the vets to a bus stop for 25 minutes when the sun was its highest, instead of catching a taxi, to save money.
Sun 20/11-Don’t expect much. Will type up my last six pages, maybe work on some short fiction and just rest and relax so I can push through next week.
TOTALS-17 pages, 4164 words, and one short story

While NaNo did help me push through and I wrote about 21,000 for it I’m not finding it the motivation I need. The forums are full of people who are desperate for feedback or who are wanting to get help with different aspects of their MS. While on the one hand I admire them reaching out to other writers, on the other I want to bundle them up and protect them from themselves.

One of the lessons you learn early on in this writing gig is to protect your work. That means that you don’t open yourself about your writing to people you don’t know, don’t respect and don’t have a good relationship with. The quickest way to get yourself off track is to open yourself to criticism that might end up being really hurtful to your personally and damaging to your writing.

While I did spend quite a bit of time on the forums for the first week I got turned off quite quickly. The easiest way to procrastinate is to take part in forums and such. Instead of writiing you end up participating in bullshit discussions that just eat up your time. I had that happen one day when 2 hours just dissapeared into a black hole. The only forum that I enjoyed was the chick lit forum. It had cool chicks who weren’t up themselves. The literary forum was full of wankers and the young adult was full of young adults who were writing.

So after all that anticipating it ended up being anticlimactic. But it did teach me more about myself and get me on track with my writing and that’s all that matters. I learnt that I can easily write 6 pages a day, that I need weekends off, and that drafting in the notebook really helps my writing process. So it wasn’t a total waste.

Until next time.

Well my second week of Nano (and the first official week) was very successful. My totals are:

Mon 31/10-6 pages=1495 words
Tue 01/11-3 pages=1041 words
Wed 02/11-6 pages=1507 words
Thu 03/11-6 pages, 1646 words
Fri 04/11-6 pages, 1846 words
Sat 05/11-0 pages
Sun 06/11-6 pages, 1434 words
TOTAL-33.5 pages, 8,969 words

So my running total (adding the 5,856 words from the practice run week) is 14,825.

This week has not been so good. I was on track Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday was a really tough day. I’m moving into writing about Sabiha’s mother’s experiences of being mentally ill (which are taken from my Mother’s experiences) and I’m finding them emotionally harrowing.

All day Tuesday I felt like I was on the verge of tears or about to kick someone’s head in. On the way home my train overshot the platform so I had to scramble to find another door out of the train. There was steam coming out of my ears. Called and put in a complaint. Felt better.

I received a copy of Write On (the monthly member newsletter for NSW Writers Centre) and turned to the member achivements page to view my name as being published in Best Australian Stories. Felt good. Read other member achievements and saw someone else had three stories published in the same anthology-steam coming out of my ears again. After shooting off a venting email to my mate Jodi, a fellow writer who understands the experience of sour grapes, felt better.

Called my husband and warned him: “Tread carefully. Dangerous mood today.” Being a good boy (and having had 9 years experience living with me) he took my warning on board and behaved like a animal wrangler would in a zoo, gentle soothing voice and avoiding eye contact. We got through the night without any injuries, a success by any standards.

On Wednesday a friend came up from Melbourne on business so travelled with her while she did a business visit in country NSW (2 hour trip each way). We had a huge catch up which continued on to a walk along the beach in Bondi and dinner. Was wonderful to have that time out. She’s coming for a visit for Christmas so I’m looking forward to an even longer catch up.

Yesterday was catch up day as I spent three hours typing pages from last week. Didn’t do my daily pages. And today has been a write off so far. Had a great catch up with a friend on the phone and ran some errands. I’m going to do some work tonight. This week it’s been really hot here and I’m finding it difficult to do anything productive during the day. When evening hits I get a second wind and feel energetic.

In other news, I received the advance copies of Best Australian Stories. My short story tutor from TAFE has also been published, Janey Runci, and another of her students got published so there was a wonderful tribute that Frank put together in his notes from the editor which I’m wrapped about.

There is a great mix of well established writers as well as newly emerging writers. I’m also wrapped to appear in the same anthology as Janette Turner Hospital. I studied her short story collection Dislocations in high school and my all time favourite short story is Golden Girl which still haunts me to this day.

I’ve dipped in and read a few stories and really enjoyed them. I’m going to enjoy having that to savour over the next few days. That’s the thing with short stories, you can only read a few at a time because they’re like fine wine that need to be savoured afterwards.

My newest addiction: Itunes

. You can now buy music on-line from Itunes and download on computers. The rest of the world has been able to access this wonderful feature except Australia. We’ve had to set a limit of $10 a fortnight otherwise we’ll be in serious financial strife. Songs go for $1.69 each and albums for $16.00.

My two most played purchases so far Del Shannon’s Runaway. This is the theme song from the show Crime Story and I’ve been singing it off and on for years. I’m going to take a nod from Gabrielle’s blog

and include the lyrics so you can see the gorgeousness of these songs.

Runaway

As I walk along I wonder what went wrong
With our love, a love that was so strong
And as I still walk on I think of
the things we’ve done together,
while our hearts were young

I’m a-walking in the rain
tears are falling and I feel a pain
Wishing you were here by me
to end this misery and I wonder
I wa-wa-wa-wa- wonder why,
why-why-why-why-why she ran away,
and I wonder
where she will stay-yay,
my little Runaway,
a-run-run-run-run-runaway.

This is an absolute classic. So simple yet it really gets under my skin. I also saw that Del Shannon has an amazing back-catalogue so I’ll be checking out more of his music.

My other big play of the week is Bernard Fanning’s Wish You Well. He’s the lead singer in Powderfinger (who are bloody amazing) and he’s done a solo record. This is the first single and I can’t stop playing it. It’s got such an up-beat and happy tempo yet the lyrics are heart-wrenching (he’s come out of a 13 year relationship). I especially get teary-eyed when he sings “Why did you give up on me so soon?” Something anyone who’s gone through a break-up can relate to.

Wish You Well

Up so early feel so bright
Didn’t get much sleep last night
Freight train rattled through my head
Whistle blowing love is dead
Is dead

Why did you give up on me so soon?
Did you give up on me so soon?
I just want to wish you well
I just want to wish you well

Well I’m going to try to haul myself off and do some writing today. Keep your fingers crossed.

So far have been keeping on track with my goals, except for today. Woke up at 4 am in the morning with my whole novel and all these scenes winding their way in front of my eyes like a technicolour movie. Had to get up and write notes on index cards (my new method of tracking scenes as it’s easy to view while writing in a notebook on public transport). Went back to sleep at 7 am. Woke up again at 10 am and ran around doing errands and feeling a bit wiped out. Have to have lunch and probably a nap so will have to catch up tonight with my daily pages.

My newest project has been taking the cats for a walk. My tabby Roscoe is such a curious varmit and in need of constant stimulation that I realised I have to start taking them outdoors. I bought a harness for them and put it on every day for a few minutes this week. Trotsky, who’s my placid boy, was completely not fussed but Roscoe was more of a fighter. Yesterday we took them out on the balcony in front of our house. Trotksy had a rousing time. Got all frisky and was sniffing everything in sight. Roscoe was slightly freaked out. Repeated the exercise today and they did the same. Roscoe started rolling around on the ground wanting to play while Trotsky was content to stay out. It’s so funny how the buggers surprise you. I expected Trotsky to be timid and scared and this exercise was more for Roscoe yet it’s been opposite. I expect that we won’t move off the balcony and stairs for a month so the actual cat-WALKING part of this project will be slow in coming to fruition.

My newest indulgence has been a Chai Latte. A friend at work got me onto it and I crave it daily. Going through a cost-cutting exercise as we’re saving so at $3.50 a pop it’s an indulgence. I saw the woman who makes them at Muffin Break using a yellow satchet and sure enough hunted down at the supermarket Lipton Chai Latte’s in sachets-$5.50 for 8 sachets. What a saving.

Also I am finally a member of the 21st century. Yes, after a lot of debate (and one impressive hissy fit) we finally have broadband. Just for fun I’ve been checking the emails every five minutes and web-surfing. Oh the fun. And now I can have a proper long chat with girlfriends while DH is on the net and not pouting like a five year old because he has nothing to do (don’t even get me started). Well hoping to type up all my pages by Sunday so I can upload my word count, but really it’s all about achieving progress-in whatever form that takes.

Well haven’t been doing much of anything but writing. Yesterday was the official start of National Novel Writing Month but I started last week. I’d had a one month break from my novel and it always takes me a while to get into the groove. My method of writing at the moment is to draft in my notebook. It’s more portable so I write while I’m travelling to work, on my lunch break, travelling home from work, in commercial breaks while I’m watching tv. You’d be amazed at how much you can achieve this way. My practice run progress:

Monday 24/10=4 notebook pages
Tuesday 25/10=2 notebook pages
Wednesday 26/10=typed the notebook pages and realised that 6 handwritten pages are equal to 1500 words. To achieve 50,000 words from today to 30 November need to write 1500 words a day or 6 notebook pages.
Thursday 27/10=4 notebook pages, 1003 words
Friday 28/10=5 notebook pages, 1115 words
Saturday 29/10=3 notebook pages, 731 words
Sunday 30/10=6.5 notebook pages, 1555 words
WEEKLY TOTAL=24.5 notebook pages, 5856 words

To say I’m feeling fabulous doesn’t capture how high I am at the moment. It was really slow going but now I’m really into the groove of it and the characters are speaking to me. I’m at that stage where the scenes I had in my head are stringing themselves into one continous narrative rather than being stand alone sketches.

I’ve also discovered that I’m having difficulty writing directly onto the computer. As soon as I do I start editing and therefore killing my story. By writing in the notebook I feel no pressure about what structure it is. I can write a scene, start another one, think of something else to add to the previous scene and insert it, whereas writing on the computer I start re-reading sentences and paragraphs and polishing them.

I’ve been mostly on track with my goals this week. Yesterday I got my period so between the painful cramps and fatigue didn’t meet my full goal but I was back on track today. I’ve just spent 2 hours typing up last week’s pages and ran out of steam but I’ve got 21 pages to type for this week already. I’ll upload my progress when I’ve actually done the typing because it’s more impressive with a wordcount attached. Feeling tired but triumphunt.